Some random facts about me; I hate to write. I can't spell. I never journal. So, why blog? Well, as many of you know or will soon come to know, my life has taken quite the turn in the past months. My heart is on the mends, although, will never be completely whole again. Therefore, I am constantly looking for ways to comfort this ache. Over these past months, reading other blogs exclaiming stories about life, death, random facts, daily encounters and simple pleasures, have somehow tended to my aching heart and have allowed me to experience small moments of joy. Blogging has allowed our world to capture a small (although sometimes quite large) glimpse into another ones life, creating a thrill that is addictive and slightly contagious! My blog will hopefully nurture that thrill in hopes to offer you a 'front row seat' into my journey through this crazy experience called, life. Life, in the essence of what gives, breaths and sustains. Maybe my blogging will one day attribute to caring for another ones aching heart.

Monday, January 31, 2011

In 7 days...

Just 7 days from today...it will be 2 years since we got that call...


Were we not just all together as a family, eating dinner, reminiscing over dad and Justin's trip to Ecuador?  Was it not just last week that mom was sick with the horrible flu?  Did we not all just snuggle, cozy and warm, you in your green knit hat, together, in the family room, giggling over pictures as dad and Justin told stories about their trip?  Seems like we just had that sister's sleepover, where we watched and of course laughed over the auditions for the 2009 American Idol contestants.  Didn't you just help mom shovel the driveway as you and her enjoyed a night snowed in together?  Hadn't you and dad just reviewed finances and discussed your new job promotion?  Wasn't it Justin that you took for a drive in your newly purchased SUV?  And didn't you allow Jesse to sleep at the foot of your bed, just the other night, knowing just how much he loved you, even though you knew it drove mom crazy having him upstairs!?  How has it been 723 days since I've heard your voice? How can something seem like a life time ago, yet as though it was just the other day.  


For those of you that have experienced a great loss of any kind, you know what I am referring to.  It is the time that lapses from 'that last' time together.  The clock never stops.  No matter how much you beg for those digital numbers to freeze, they just will not.  Some how those minutes turn to hours, hours to days, days to months, months to years.  Years.  I have grown to dread that word.  Isn't it a human reaction when hearing the words, 'years ago',  to naturally assume that time has past, hurts have have healed, memories have faded?  


In just 7 days I will face the fact that when referring to my sister's passing, it will no longer be referred to as, 'last year', or 'just a year ago'... It will now be 2 years ago... that dreaded word has entered my vocabulary when referring to my beloved sister... years, yuck.  Those other phrases brought comfort when referring to my sister's passing. Why? In a weird sense they made her memory seem closer even though time propelled forward.  They allowed the public eye to perceive the same thing.  Naturally, people respond differently to a tragic loss when it is referred to as 'just a year ago' versus 'years ago'.  Human nature can often wrongly assume that one has returned to normal after a few years go by following a great loss.


Well, my family and I have felt everything but normal since that day.  Despite my strong dislike for the word, years, I realize that my sister's memory is just as real and close as it was the day after she passed.  No time can take away love.  As my family and I prepare to enter into our 3rd year of life without our Katelynn we do not view it any differently then that first week without her.  Our hearts still ache, the memories still seem as though they were yesterday, her voice still rings in our ears... and our hope is ever more strong.


As my dad said to us last week, he is thankful for the past two years, because we are that much closer to seeing Katelynn's face and being united again.



 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Snow days

There is something magical about this winter wonderland.


 

Friday, January 14, 2011

It's the little things

Okay, I'm going to use this entry to brag a bit.  I know I know.. .I just can't help myself.  My husband is pretty amazing.  And lately, he has blown me away with how he loves me through the little things.  This week...he woke up every morning with me (even though I have to be at work hours before he does), made my coffee, prepared my lunch, started my car and even had time to make our bed!  Who is this man!?  He's my husband and I get to come home to him each and every night, I'm one lucky girl.  Okay, I'm done.

 

Sunday, January 9, 2011

His Eyes

Katelynn loved this, Brandon Heath song.  Loved the words.  Loved the truthful picture it captured.  Loved the authenticity.  Reveled in the fact that it was attainable, yet required complete humility.  The song was listed as one of the top played songs on her ipod... it would not surprise me if  these were the words she was singing along with as she ventured down route 100 on that February morning.  Her journal reads these words as her heart beat was to have His eyes in this world.  
Looked down from a broken sky
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight

Touched down on the cold black tar
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breathe in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what?s underneath

There?s a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, he's buying time

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I've been there a million times
A couple of million eyes just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong

Well, I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way You see the people all alone

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
That I keep missing

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


Traced out by the city lights
This morning, this song acts as a gentle reminder to myself to desire His eyes.

Yet, I do not want them.  Yes, you heard me right.  I do not want to see more pain because of the intensity that I experience everyday missing Katelynn. I do not want to see anymore brokenness because I am broken.  I do not want any more reasons to question God as to Why He has not come back to ultimately bring Redemption and take my family and I to be with Him and my sister again.  I do not want His eyes...

 yet, maybe... just maybe,  I do want His eyes.  I want His eyes soooooo bad it hurts.  I want to SEE how He IS redeeming and healing and comforting and bringing redemption NOW.... because at times I do not feel Him.  Yes, I said it.  I do not 'feel' God.  I do not 'feel' His comfort.  I do not 'feel' his healing.  I do not 'feel' His love.  Therefore, I am left to TRUST.

Trust.  Gosh, it's so hard.  Yet, isn't Trust the route to the foundation of my Faith?  

   If I do not desire His eyes I will miss out on seeing Him.

Give me your eyes God...


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Light

I just had to post this picture.  On my ride into work this morning, God revealed himself to me through the beauty of  His creation shedding light over His people.  God designed the sun to bring light.  His light exposes truth.  His truth defeats lies and brings freedom.  Freedom from the depths of despair.  Freedom breeds a full life.  He brings LIFE. The amazing thing about Him... last night, as I rested my head on my pillow, seconds before drifting off to dreamland, I asked God to reveal himself to me in a unique and special way today.  God moved... and nothing like first thing this morning.




Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Today

Today.... I missed my family.  My family that I have only met once.  My family that does not speak English, lives in a clay hut on the other side of the world in a village comprised of one cement building.  Their names are the Djob's.  Gabil and Y'zmine Djob.  They adopted Eric and I becoming our namesake in the village of N'Gonine, located in Senegal, West Africa.  Eric was adopted five years ago, when he first visited their home.  Four years later, Eric brought myself to this village to meet this family.  The very first night upon arriving to their home, their family surrounded me during the welcoming ceremony.  Y'zmine tied one of her bracelets around my wrist and kissed me on the cheek, adopting me into their family as well.  Y'zmine and I share a bond.  We both have loved ones in Heaven.  So, to remember our loved ones, Y'zmine has hung a picture of my sister in her hut as I treasure the bracelet she tied around my wrist.  Although I have only met my family once, I know I will see them again one day.  Eric anticipates seeing them sooner then I, as he will return to N'Gonine next month.   He will hug Gabil and receive many kisses from Y'zmine and hold and love on their babies....I miss them.